"God, thank you so much that I am not married right now?"
Wait a second.... did I just say that?
I have debated sharing this with you, because when talking about marriage and singleness, there is always controversy. How do I, as a single woman, share my heart without seeming desperate or too independent? How do I share my heart when I am terrified of pity or sympathy?
To be honest, I am not sure. But this is my heart.... so here it goes.
Growing up, I had it all planned out. In my perfect world, I would have been engaged by now.... picking out colors, altering my dress, planning the perfect day. I thought I would meet someone in college and get married shortly after. And why not? It happened for my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many friends... so why not me?
Time past through college.
Sophomore year.... ok, there's still time.
Junior year.... he's got to be here somewhere.
Senior year..... Maybe?
I really struggled with this during my senior year. At first, I talked to God like a spoiled three year old, stamping my foot and screaming, "I deserve this". And then, that attitude shifted to one of self doubt. "Of course no one would want me", and then I would list my flaws. Self doubt then transformed itself into pride. "Well, she's married and has to take car of her husband. I on the other hand am free to do whatever God wants me to do".
None of those attitudes really served me well.
Ever so gently, He spoke to my heart, captivating me as He always does.
"Do you trust me?"
Hmmm... do I trust You? Funny God because You and I have had some serious trust issues over the past few years.
"But haven't I always proved myself faithful?"
Yes....
"And have You ever been abandoned?"
Well, no....
"Do you believe I am enough?"
Ouch. There in lies the kicker. Do I really believe He is enough? Because if I believe that God is who He claims to be, then yes, I believe He is enough. My belief should then result in action... trust.
But God, You know I want this. Didn't You give me this desire? What am I supposed to do?
"Beloved, I have something better for you. Something different, and something so beautiful. You want this, and it's good because I created marriage, but let me give You my heart for something else."
Gently, slowly, I released this dream to Him. In exchange, He gave me this gift... His heart for the hurting.
Today, I thanked Him because His ways are higher than mine, and His dreams are greater. Because my response to the heart He gave me... moving to the Philippines and living at Gentle Hands... could not have happened if I was married. There is just no way.
I am where He wants me to be. I know that with all my heart, and I have never felt more alive, more settled. I would not trade this for the world.
Maybe you are like me, desiring something that has yet to be fulfilled.
Let me assure you... you are ok, and you are not crazy.
And let me ask you this: Do you believe Jesus is enough? His love, His grace, His joy... is it enough for you? Because if it is, then trust. Just let go, give Him those dreams, and trust. It may not be that easy for you. It certainly was not for me, but I can promise You, He will exchange your dreams for something beyond belief. He may soon fulfill those desires. You may find yourself like me, waiting. And that's ok.
Let me also assure you that just because those dreams have been surrendered, that does not mean they are gone for good. The desire still surfaces. It is still very real, very present.
One thing I have found that helps me is to find what I am grateful for in this moment and focus on the gifts God has given me in the present. I read His Word and record His promises, His character. And I rest.
So today, I am grateful for red gatorade, cheddar cheese cheetos, Manila sunsets, and snuggling with my little ones while watching The Little Mermaid. I am grateful for praying family, mint flavored lemonade, and the sparkle in their eyes when we talk about ballet class.
And today, I am grateful that for now, it's just me. Me and Him.
Wait a second.... did I just say that?
I have debated sharing this with you, because when talking about marriage and singleness, there is always controversy. How do I, as a single woman, share my heart without seeming desperate or too independent? How do I share my heart when I am terrified of pity or sympathy?
To be honest, I am not sure. But this is my heart.... so here it goes.
Growing up, I had it all planned out. In my perfect world, I would have been engaged by now.... picking out colors, altering my dress, planning the perfect day. I thought I would meet someone in college and get married shortly after. And why not? It happened for my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many friends... so why not me?
Time past through college.
Sophomore year.... ok, there's still time.
Junior year.... he's got to be here somewhere.
Senior year..... Maybe?
I really struggled with this during my senior year. At first, I talked to God like a spoiled three year old, stamping my foot and screaming, "I deserve this". And then, that attitude shifted to one of self doubt. "Of course no one would want me", and then I would list my flaws. Self doubt then transformed itself into pride. "Well, she's married and has to take car of her husband. I on the other hand am free to do whatever God wants me to do".
None of those attitudes really served me well.
Ever so gently, He spoke to my heart, captivating me as He always does.
"Do you trust me?"
Hmmm... do I trust You? Funny God because You and I have had some serious trust issues over the past few years.
"But haven't I always proved myself faithful?"
Yes....
"And have You ever been abandoned?"
Well, no....
"Do you believe I am enough?"
Ouch. There in lies the kicker. Do I really believe He is enough? Because if I believe that God is who He claims to be, then yes, I believe He is enough. My belief should then result in action... trust.
But God, You know I want this. Didn't You give me this desire? What am I supposed to do?
"Beloved, I have something better for you. Something different, and something so beautiful. You want this, and it's good because I created marriage, but let me give You my heart for something else."
Gently, slowly, I released this dream to Him. In exchange, He gave me this gift... His heart for the hurting.
Today, I thanked Him because His ways are higher than mine, and His dreams are greater. Because my response to the heart He gave me... moving to the Philippines and living at Gentle Hands... could not have happened if I was married. There is just no way.
I am where He wants me to be. I know that with all my heart, and I have never felt more alive, more settled. I would not trade this for the world.
Maybe you are like me, desiring something that has yet to be fulfilled.
Let me assure you... you are ok, and you are not crazy.
And let me ask you this: Do you believe Jesus is enough? His love, His grace, His joy... is it enough for you? Because if it is, then trust. Just let go, give Him those dreams, and trust. It may not be that easy for you. It certainly was not for me, but I can promise You, He will exchange your dreams for something beyond belief. He may soon fulfill those desires. You may find yourself like me, waiting. And that's ok.
Let me also assure you that just because those dreams have been surrendered, that does not mean they are gone for good. The desire still surfaces. It is still very real, very present.
One thing I have found that helps me is to find what I am grateful for in this moment and focus on the gifts God has given me in the present. I read His Word and record His promises, His character. And I rest.
So today, I am grateful for red gatorade, cheddar cheese cheetos, Manila sunsets, and snuggling with my little ones while watching The Little Mermaid. I am grateful for praying family, mint flavored lemonade, and the sparkle in their eyes when we talk about ballet class.
And today, I am grateful that for now, it's just me. Me and Him.
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