Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Love Song for a Savior and a Letter to Say Good Bye

In open fields of wild flowers, she breathes the air and flies away. She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses, in her simple language. Someday she’ll understand the meaning of it all…

He gave me a song for you. 

I watched you dance to this song, your first ballet. You would sing it around the house with the other kids. We listened to it over and over until I begged you to make it stop. 

I sat there in the dark after I was given the news, and I asked Him for something to let me know He was there, that you're ok.

And the melody began to play.

And then I realized, the song is you. It's me. 

And the tears finally began to fall.

Our human minds can only comprehend so much. We look around and see pain and suffering. We wonder where He is in this... where is the purpose, the hope? If God is so good, then why this?

And really, my mind is so simple. I thank him for the daisies and roses, when really, he offers me so much more... more than I can even imagine. 

And even though this doesn't make sense, we have to trust... someday we will understand the meaning of it all... why this pain, this heartache, this stretching, this disease, this ache... Why? 

I’m jealous of you.

I’m jealous, dear little one, that you get to understand before I do.

My mind is struggling to comprehend it. My heart doesn’t want to believe it. But you are gone, and all I can do is try and figure out what to do with the jumbled pieces of memories and moments.

How do I grieve you? My little sister, my friend.

There was so much you wanted to do… become a flight attendant, have a family, graduate from college in red high heels.

And now it won’t happen.

You were so frustrating with your stubborn personality. Sometimes you absolutely drove me crazy.

And in my selfishness, there were moments when I would rather do anything in the world except take care of you.

But really, dear girl, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I wouldn’t trade the sleepless nights, the arguments, the moments of frustration and tears because for all of those moments that made life difficult, there so many more moments of joy….

My excitement when you finally could eat something and keep it down.

Hugs out of nowhere.

Fixing your hair and makeup for church.

Singing and laughing with you.

All of our talks about boys.

Praying, reading Scripture, learning how to love Him more and more together.

Watching you grow stronger and stronger.

Sing “Happy Birthday” to you over a beautiful cake, the tears you cried over the joy of experiencing this birthday, the one you thought would never come.

Watching you dance, your smile, your joy.

I miss your laugh.

I miss you.

And there will probably be a part of me that always will.

You are the first little one I have been able to give tears, actually weep.

And today, as we sang “Revelation Song” in church, they filled my eyes as I pictured you with Him. You and I had worshipped together in this church, and now… you are home. I have been given a taste, and you have experienced everything.

Did you run to Him?

What was the first thing you did when you walked inside heaven? Are you still running, finally able to move without any concern of pain? Is your broken tooth fixed? Are you still smiling? Does your stomach ache from laughing?

It is such a beautiful thing to be able to have hope and joy in Christ, knowing this is not the end, but still, my human heart aches.

You were my miracle.

I wanted your story to be different. I wanted to always be your big sister... I wanted to watch you grow up and shop with you for those red high heels. I wanted to dream with you. 

I don’t know how to process this, and it will be years before I even begin to understand what in the world His plan and purpose in the past eight months has been.

Because, right now, I don't understand. And it doesn't seem right or fair. 

I don't get it. And for right now, that's ok.

All I know is that I loved you dearly, my little sister.

And I am so grateful that you knew I loved you.

I am so grateful that I was given the chance to love you, and although I made many mistakes, there was a lot, by His grace, I did right.

The Lord gave you to us, and He took you away.

And I will bless His name.

Being your Ate was a blessing.

I love you sweet girl, and I miss you so much.

You finally understand, don't you?

Someday He’ll call her and she will come running, and fall in his arms. The tears will fall down and she’ll say… I want to fall in love with you. I want to fall in love with you. I want to fall in love with you. I want to fall in love with you…
                                                                                            ~ "Love Song For a Savior"
                                                                                                           Jars of Clay

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you sweet twin, I wish I was there with you during this time, but He has His plan and His reasons. I love you.