Thursday, June 21, 2012

Trust, Love, and Letting Go

I don't get to keep her.

At some point, the little girl who has captured my heart will be taken away... either to return home to parents or home to Jesus, depending on how well her body can fight this disease.

How do you love someone, knowing she will eventually leave?

One day at a time. One moment at a time.

If I hold back and build walls, then I am not doing what He has called.

He has called to love, to delight, to bless.

And really, those bright eyes and quick smile make it very easy to love.

We went to the beach the other day. I wanted her to feel the sand, to feel the water, to feel something.

I think I had this mental image of her holding my hand and walking on the beach, feeling the sand between her toes. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, dolphins were jumping out of the water...

But really, I should have known better because my little princess does not like dirt.

Instead, she held me the entire time, perfectly content to experience the waves from the safety of my arms.

We sat on the shore, feeling the cool breeze as it flowed over the ocean. The cloudy sky provided a calm, and we watched the other kids splash in the water.

She never smiled or laughed. She simply gazed at the ocean as if trying to process everything around her.

And as I held her, she drew nearer to me, her heart learning to trust mine... to trust that I am not letting her go, I am meeting her needs, I am safe, I am not going to toss her in the ocean and run away.

Once again, He draws a parallel and opens my eyes.

Trust me.

Because I feel like my baby girl. I am staring at a crashing ocean, very unsure, surrounded by the unfamiliar. And He has dreams for me of dancing and playing in the water.

But really, I am not ready. I just want to be held. And I hold tight and don't let go.

Gently, ever so gently, he whispers that it's ok, and He continues to whisper His dreams, His love.

Eventually, I will be able to let go of His neck and hold His hand. My trust is growing. And even though  I am staring at an ocean of uncertainty, He holds and He doesn't let go, and He never pushes, unless He knows it's time.

So I have to trust that He knows what He is doing with the baby in my arms. He will not rip her away from me. He will not toss me into a raging ocean.

He will prepare. He will be gentle.

I treat every minute with her as a gift. I pray over her, speak blessing, and I remind her she is loved.

I want to plan and my heart wants to assess the situation, but if I do that, then I will miss out on the joy of this little girl in this moment.

It will be painful. Giving away your heart is never easy, and there is a reason why I sing praise is a sacrifice.

But it is worth it. I look into her eyes, and I know she is worth it.

And I breathe deep, relaxing in His arms and I know, He is worth it. 

Sunday, June 17, 2012


I stood around a kitchen counter tonight with some of my dearest friends, and I thought of you.

One father absent.

Two fathers dead.

One father emotionally absent, too absorbed in his own problems to understand.

And I though of you.

Maybe it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But what I am finding is that the longer I am away, the more I am grateful, the more I realize just how much I owe you.

Because you didn't have to stay.

But you did.

You didn't have to love.

But you did.

You didn't have to come to every dance recital, quiz bowl competition, family game night, breakfast time, church service, random performance...

But you did.

You didn't have to say yes when He called me to the other side of the world.

But you did.

And I can never say thank you enough.

I believe that God is a good Dad... because you are a good dad.

I believe that God is someone I can trust... because you have never broken my trust.

I believe that I have value... because you showed me my value.

I believe that to be a leader, I must be a servant... because you lead by serving.

I believe that every human being has worth and dignity... because you demonstrate that for me every day.

I have high standards... because you have laid a foundation and shown me a love worth waiting for.

I speak blessing over my little ones... because you have spoken blessing over me.

You love me. I have never doubted that once in my life.

I have never been afraid of you.

I respect you more and more with each day.

And soon, very soon Daddy, I will get to show you the places my feet walk every day. I will show you my home. I will introduce you to my little ones, my favorite places in the world.

And it's all because of you. Because You have demonstrated a complete trust in Jesus that has given me the freedom to follow Him with all of my heart.

And soon, very soon, you will be getting the biggest hug I can possibly give.

I love you sir. My hero, my heart. And I can't wait to hear your laugh...


Friday, June 15, 2012

Every Breath is a Second Chance

Breathe.... just keep breathing.

I pray, I whisper to the baby girl who has captured my heart in the past 6 days.

The baby I had to leave behind while I go to school.

And I go through the motions and try to stay alert, but I keep whispering "Breathe, please".

Because her little body has been overtaken by parasites, and we don't know if she is strong enough to get them out.

Her little heart beats, and she keeps breathing, but it is hard. So hard.

But she continues to smile and laugh and talk in her little baby babble.

She communicates with me, pointing to what she wants, holding out her arms when she wants to be held.

I didn't mean to fall in love.

No really, I didn't.

But what could I do? How do I resist those little curls, big brown eyes, and those sweet little fingers.

I want her to hold on. Wait, don't go. Not yet.

Wait, my sister is coming. She wants to meet you. Just a few more weeks.

Wait, you have to grow up. Make it to another birthday, and then another.

Wait, I want to hold you. I want to play. I want to hear you speak again. I want to see that smile.

Please, Jesus.

I lay hands and I speak life and blessing.

I do "Happy Thoughts" as I have done over my other babies.

And I pray, and I wait, and I trust that He is bigger.

He is stronger.

He wouldn't give me anything that He will not hold me through.

Breathe, baby girl. Just keep breathing. Please.