Thursday, June 21, 2012

Trust, Love, and Letting Go

I don't get to keep her.

At some point, the little girl who has captured my heart will be taken away... either to return home to parents or home to Jesus, depending on how well her body can fight this disease.

How do you love someone, knowing she will eventually leave?

One day at a time. One moment at a time.

If I hold back and build walls, then I am not doing what He has called.

He has called to love, to delight, to bless.

And really, those bright eyes and quick smile make it very easy to love.

We went to the beach the other day. I wanted her to feel the sand, to feel the water, to feel something.

I think I had this mental image of her holding my hand and walking on the beach, feeling the sand between her toes. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, dolphins were jumping out of the water...

But really, I should have known better because my little princess does not like dirt.

Instead, she held me the entire time, perfectly content to experience the waves from the safety of my arms.

We sat on the shore, feeling the cool breeze as it flowed over the ocean. The cloudy sky provided a calm, and we watched the other kids splash in the water.

She never smiled or laughed. She simply gazed at the ocean as if trying to process everything around her.

And as I held her, she drew nearer to me, her heart learning to trust mine... to trust that I am not letting her go, I am meeting her needs, I am safe, I am not going to toss her in the ocean and run away.

Once again, He draws a parallel and opens my eyes.

Trust me.

Because I feel like my baby girl. I am staring at a crashing ocean, very unsure, surrounded by the unfamiliar. And He has dreams for me of dancing and playing in the water.

But really, I am not ready. I just want to be held. And I hold tight and don't let go.

Gently, ever so gently, he whispers that it's ok, and He continues to whisper His dreams, His love.

Eventually, I will be able to let go of His neck and hold His hand. My trust is growing. And even though  I am staring at an ocean of uncertainty, He holds and He doesn't let go, and He never pushes, unless He knows it's time.

So I have to trust that He knows what He is doing with the baby in my arms. He will not rip her away from me. He will not toss me into a raging ocean.

He will prepare. He will be gentle.

I treat every minute with her as a gift. I pray over her, speak blessing, and I remind her she is loved.

I want to plan and my heart wants to assess the situation, but if I do that, then I will miss out on the joy of this little girl in this moment.

It will be painful. Giving away your heart is never easy, and there is a reason why I sing praise is a sacrifice.

But it is worth it. I look into her eyes, and I know she is worth it.

And I breathe deep, relaxing in His arms and I know, He is worth it. 

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