I am not sure if I am allowed to mourn you.
I knew you briefly, held you in my arms, gazed at you through a hospital window, but did I really know you?
I tried not to connect with you, knowing that I would be leaving soon. I say that it's because I wanted to protect your heart. I really just wanted to protect mine.
It must have worked because now you are gone and I feel nothing. I wish tears could fall, that I could feel something, but my heart just carries on in a continual state of numbness.
I don't want to be here. I want to be there. I wanted to bond with you and watch you grow. But, I am on the other side of the world. Removed physically, and I am afraid emotionally too.
Is it wrong that I heard your name and quietly breathed a sigh of relief it wasn't someone else? Yeah, probably.
It's also wrong that you were left to fight in cruel world. It's wrong your mother couldn't love you, that you were left to fight illness from the day you arrived. It's also wrong the apathy that will wash over me once the shock of your death subsides. Life will carry on as usual, and that sucks.
Because you are a miracle. The time you spent on this earth was not a mistake, and your precious little life was worth the blood of my Jesus. My Jesus who holds you in His arms now.
God Rescues.... from this cold world, He rescued you to one of joy. Not the rescuing I had planned, but He knows better than I.
Gift of God.... a treasure I failed to recognize as I looked at you through human eyes and not His. I am so sorry. I should have held you more. Loved you more. I won't do that again. You are a gift.
I pray for the loved ones I have who held you as you went home. May they see His joy. May they feel His comfort and the freedom to mourn.
One thing you have spoken, two things I have heard: You, O God, are strong, and You, O Lord, are loving. Psalm 62:11
You mattered, and I will remember You... because everyone needs to be remembered. Tell Lucy I miss her and love her, please.
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