Saturday, August 13, 2011

And suddenly it changes

     I'm not ready for this...

     I feel like I've said this a lot to God in the last three years.

     Steeping into a plane and traveling over the ocean...
 
     Moving into a new home with strangers...

     My first day of classes at Florida...

     Holding my daughter's hand as she died...

     Walking across the stage at graduation...

     Saying goodbye to the strangers who became family...


     This is one of those moments. Before this summer, I thought I knew what I was going to do when I returned. I would either be in Tallahassee or Gainesville, getting a Master's degree, and once again be the one leaving. But just because my plan sounds good and has parental approval, does not mean that plan is God's best. Listening to His heart, I decided stay home for the semester and work, saving money as He shows me the next step.

     Tomorrow morning, we are moving my sister Joy into her new apartment. She's leaving for college to make her own memories and create new adventures. One week later, we will be moving Jenna into her apartment as she is also leaving for college.

     I am excited for them, proud of them, and worried at the same time because they are my sisters. And I'm sad. Two of my best friends in the entire world are leaving. And tonight is the last time we will be together for a long time.

     This is a new feeling for me... this sense of sadness and loss. I am used to leaving. I'm good at that. I know how to casually say goodbye, make a joke out of it to lighten the mood, and adapt to a new situation. I am used to life going on without me and not being needed any more.

     But I don't know how to let go and deal with the emptiness. I don't know how to walk into a house and not hear people yelling, singing, and generally speaking in loud voices. How do you move on in a home when the people who made that place home are no longer there. Home for me always meant five people. Now, that's not the case.

      And I think it's that loss that hurts more than anything. Because now my definition of home must change. I know it's only a matter of time before I am gone to a place where my cell phone won't work for good.

     So tonight, it's the four of us, The Belser Girls, as we are collectively known. Tomorrow, everything changes. But tonight, it's ok.

     I'm not ready for this, but I do what I have always done. Breathe deeply. Trust. Find a safe place to let tears flow. Treasure the moments I am given that I will miss so much. And I rest, believing in a God who loves them more than I ever could.

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