*On May 29, 2010, a woman named Lucy came to Gentle Hands in Manila, Philippines. Lucy was about 30 years old, and was very sick with tuberculosis. During her stay, I had the opportunity to care for her and love her. Today, June 8, marks one year since her death. 3:03pm, to be exact. This my letter to her.
Dear Lucy,
It's weird that it's been a year. I remember sitting with you, holding your hand, watching as the life went out.
I am unsure in sharing this letter... sharing your story. By telling people about you, am I exploiting you? Am I saying "Look what I've done?", because really, you did everything for me. I pray no one looks at this and thinks of me, but rather thinks about the God who orchestrated all these events, because He loved you so much... that he wanted you home with him... away rom this world and all the pain it brought you.
I miss you. I think of you every day, and my heart hurts, still. I can't cry. I really wish I could, and I want to because then maybe the grief will finally seem real. It's hard because I can mention your name, and I talk about you, but it's all very surreal. For ten days, I was your mom. For ten days, I bathed you, fed you, held you as you cried. It was only ten days, and in the grand scheme of life, those ten days are only a small fraction. They couldn't have made up for all of your hurts, all of your pain. But they changed everything for me.
Did you know your name means "Light"? That's what you were to me... my light. I wanted so badly to change your life, but God used you to change mine. Nothing else matters except the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and no Gospel will ever be greater than being willing to get completely outside of myself. You showed me that. You showed me how to love, and you gave me a glimspe of heaven. You showed my heart it's purpose. You showed me life... a real life outside of myself... a real life built on things that matter.
How do I make people understand that? I lost a child... you... my child. But, I'm only 21. It was only ten days. It was a mission trip. A mountain top experience. An experience! I can hear it in voices and see it in eyes... full of sympathy, but just not understanding. "She's just being dramatic".... and I get angry...so angry. I stop talking about you because I don't want anyone to simply brush off your memory. And so I keep you to myself... my treasure. Because I want so badly to protect you at least in death, after life fought so hard to destroy you.
I think a lot about what would have happened if you had survived. Would you be home? Would you be thriving? Or hurting still? Would you be loved?
There is so much about you I don't know... your birthday, your favorite foods, colors, movies. What did you dream of? What did you want? Were there ever any moments of real joy? Did you really want to live, or did you just want to get out? I don't know your birthday, but I remember your death. It's not like I can have a cake for you... I don't even know your real age.
I've thought about what I would do on this day. If I were home, I would maybe go to the beach, or a coffee shop and remember, and pray. But I'm here in India... surrounded by thousands just like you, and to be honest, I don't know how to even love one.
But I remember your name, your face, your hands.... brushing your hair, smiling at you, guarding you while you slept, and hanging pictures on your walls. I wait for the tears that I desperately want to fall. I listen to the songs that remind me of you... songs I have avoided. Will anything change after tomorrow? Will things be different this time next year? I don't want them to be because I want to remember you. You deserve to be remembered, just like you deserved to be loved.
I pray for your family... maybe one day I will be able to share with them everything you meant to me. Maybe I will be able to share Christ. God please...
Yet, despite anything I may be feeling now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are home. Laughing and smiling... more loved than you have ever been. What does Jesus look like? What does heaven look like? Oh, I can't wait to see you again... to smile and laugh and play with you. Will you be there to meet me when I follow you home? I just can't wait...
I love you sweet girl. I miss you.
Love, Mom
*God showed me this verse the day before Lucy died:
"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will be true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory'. Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God!He gave us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" -- 1 Corinthians 15:54-57
"To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."-- Isaiah 61:3 (My Lucy verse)
Songs that remind me of Lucy
Soon and Very Soon-- Hillsong United... One night in particular while she was struggling, this song came on the cd player, and she immediately calmed down.
Hallelujah-- Bethany Dillon... The day before she died was really hard for me for various reasons, and God brought me this song to remind me I can still praise Him no matter the pain.
Dear Lucy,
It's weird that it's been a year. I remember sitting with you, holding your hand, watching as the life went out.
I am unsure in sharing this letter... sharing your story. By telling people about you, am I exploiting you? Am I saying "Look what I've done?", because really, you did everything for me. I pray no one looks at this and thinks of me, but rather thinks about the God who orchestrated all these events, because He loved you so much... that he wanted you home with him... away rom this world and all the pain it brought you.
I miss you. I think of you every day, and my heart hurts, still. I can't cry. I really wish I could, and I want to because then maybe the grief will finally seem real. It's hard because I can mention your name, and I talk about you, but it's all very surreal. For ten days, I was your mom. For ten days, I bathed you, fed you, held you as you cried. It was only ten days, and in the grand scheme of life, those ten days are only a small fraction. They couldn't have made up for all of your hurts, all of your pain. But they changed everything for me.
Did you know your name means "Light"? That's what you were to me... my light. I wanted so badly to change your life, but God used you to change mine. Nothing else matters except the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and no Gospel will ever be greater than being willing to get completely outside of myself. You showed me that. You showed me how to love, and you gave me a glimspe of heaven. You showed my heart it's purpose. You showed me life... a real life outside of myself... a real life built on things that matter.
How do I make people understand that? I lost a child... you... my child. But, I'm only 21. It was only ten days. It was a mission trip. A mountain top experience. An experience! I can hear it in voices and see it in eyes... full of sympathy, but just not understanding. "She's just being dramatic".... and I get angry...so angry. I stop talking about you because I don't want anyone to simply brush off your memory. And so I keep you to myself... my treasure. Because I want so badly to protect you at least in death, after life fought so hard to destroy you.
I think a lot about what would have happened if you had survived. Would you be home? Would you be thriving? Or hurting still? Would you be loved?
There is so much about you I don't know... your birthday, your favorite foods, colors, movies. What did you dream of? What did you want? Were there ever any moments of real joy? Did you really want to live, or did you just want to get out? I don't know your birthday, but I remember your death. It's not like I can have a cake for you... I don't even know your real age.
I've thought about what I would do on this day. If I were home, I would maybe go to the beach, or a coffee shop and remember, and pray. But I'm here in India... surrounded by thousands just like you, and to be honest, I don't know how to even love one.
But I remember your name, your face, your hands.... brushing your hair, smiling at you, guarding you while you slept, and hanging pictures on your walls. I wait for the tears that I desperately want to fall. I listen to the songs that remind me of you... songs I have avoided. Will anything change after tomorrow? Will things be different this time next year? I don't want them to be because I want to remember you. You deserve to be remembered, just like you deserved to be loved.
I pray for your family... maybe one day I will be able to share with them everything you meant to me. Maybe I will be able to share Christ. God please...
Yet, despite anything I may be feeling now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are home. Laughing and smiling... more loved than you have ever been. What does Jesus look like? What does heaven look like? Oh, I can't wait to see you again... to smile and laugh and play with you. Will you be there to meet me when I follow you home? I just can't wait...
I love you sweet girl. I miss you.
Love, Mom
*God showed me this verse the day before Lucy died:
"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will be true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory'. Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God!He gave us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" -- 1 Corinthians 15:54-57
"To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."-- Isaiah 61:3 (My Lucy verse)
Songs that remind me of Lucy
Soon and Very Soon-- Hillsong United... One night in particular while she was struggling, this song came on the cd player, and she immediately calmed down.
Hallelujah-- Bethany Dillon... The day before she died was really hard for me for various reasons, and God brought me this song to remind me I can still praise Him no matter the pain.
I love you sweet sister. As another grieving mom, I know how big this day is! I love you and continued to stay focused on the One who brought all of this together and gave her to you!!! love you and praying for you!! see you soon!!!
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