"Ma'am, who is this?"
I was asked this question repeatedly today by several concerned Indian families. For some reason, the sight of me holding hands with a 5 year old Indian girl needed to be explained. And of course, I told them she was my sister. That answer was not enough to satisfy, especially when they started comparing my white skin to her very dark skin. I found it rather amusing. She is my sister and that's all you need to know. Thank you.
We went for an outing today with 13 girls from the girls' home to Victoria Memorial, which is basically a big palace with lots of paintings, and the planetarium. Between 17 Indians and 5 white people, all females, we made for a very interesting sight... and thus, some onlookers could not resist asking questions. One boy even asked me to tell him about my country. Not quite sure what that was all about, but he was a cute kid.
As a side note, if anyone ever needs a good nap, visit a plantarium. They flipped off the lights and Chelsea and I were out.
Tonight though, I feel tired... slightly frustrated with myself. I don't really want to share this, but I promised I would be honest. Tonight felt like a night when I just wanted to crawl under the covers and hide for a long time. It was a night when I needed my mom, and it's that harsh realization that I can't call her which made everything a little more difficult. There was a small list of things that just kept piling up.
And then I think about the people outside my gate. The family who sleeps on the sidewalk. My little ice cream girls who are sleeping God only knows where. The women who won't sleep tonight because they have to sell themselves.
And then I remember that I've only been in India for 2 and 1/2 weeks, and I become frustrated with myself for being frustrated. I mean, I will only be here for 5 weeks. I can deal with anything for 5 weeks. And besides the heat, I haven't done anything strenuous.
I wish that ministry made me more of a superhuman. I wish that I could instantly be more perfect... or atleast less of a complainer/worrier, less dependent on other people... someone who didn't worry about the way her hair falls or the sweat on her face. I just want to be better. And I want to be less focused on me. One thing is for sure, geographical location does not make one less selfish or prideful. I am still the same sarcastic, self absorbed me.
And God, I am at the end of me. Broken, undone, open before you. I need you to be everything because I have nothing. I am numb. I am tired. I am coping by becoming apathetic. Refine me. Sometimes the desert is required to reach the promised land, and God I'll go through it, but I need you to hold me. I can do nothing on my own, and I don't want to be the same person I have always been. I want to be different, more like you. At the end of the day, all I have is you. All I need is you. Thank you for wanting me despite the flaws, the pride, the sin. Thank you that you haven't given up on me. Thank you... increase in me. I need you.
I was asked this question repeatedly today by several concerned Indian families. For some reason, the sight of me holding hands with a 5 year old Indian girl needed to be explained. And of course, I told them she was my sister. That answer was not enough to satisfy, especially when they started comparing my white skin to her very dark skin. I found it rather amusing. She is my sister and that's all you need to know. Thank you.
We went for an outing today with 13 girls from the girls' home to Victoria Memorial, which is basically a big palace with lots of paintings, and the planetarium. Between 17 Indians and 5 white people, all females, we made for a very interesting sight... and thus, some onlookers could not resist asking questions. One boy even asked me to tell him about my country. Not quite sure what that was all about, but he was a cute kid.
As a side note, if anyone ever needs a good nap, visit a plantarium. They flipped off the lights and Chelsea and I were out.
Tonight though, I feel tired... slightly frustrated with myself. I don't really want to share this, but I promised I would be honest. Tonight felt like a night when I just wanted to crawl under the covers and hide for a long time. It was a night when I needed my mom, and it's that harsh realization that I can't call her which made everything a little more difficult. There was a small list of things that just kept piling up.
And then I think about the people outside my gate. The family who sleeps on the sidewalk. My little ice cream girls who are sleeping God only knows where. The women who won't sleep tonight because they have to sell themselves.
And then I remember that I've only been in India for 2 and 1/2 weeks, and I become frustrated with myself for being frustrated. I mean, I will only be here for 5 weeks. I can deal with anything for 5 weeks. And besides the heat, I haven't done anything strenuous.
I wish that ministry made me more of a superhuman. I wish that I could instantly be more perfect... or atleast less of a complainer/worrier, less dependent on other people... someone who didn't worry about the way her hair falls or the sweat on her face. I just want to be better. And I want to be less focused on me. One thing is for sure, geographical location does not make one less selfish or prideful. I am still the same sarcastic, self absorbed me.
And God, I am at the end of me. Broken, undone, open before you. I need you to be everything because I have nothing. I am numb. I am tired. I am coping by becoming apathetic. Refine me. Sometimes the desert is required to reach the promised land, and God I'll go through it, but I need you to hold me. I can do nothing on my own, and I don't want to be the same person I have always been. I want to be different, more like you. At the end of the day, all I have is you. All I need is you. Thank you for wanting me despite the flaws, the pride, the sin. Thank you that you haven't given up on me. Thank you... increase in me. I need you.
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