I've always been described as an old woman in a whatever-age-I-am-at the-time-of-comment's body. Maybe some would describe it as an old soul, mature, or maybe just plain boring.
I always wanted to be older... to be able to drive, vote, go to college, grow up. Not in a way like I was rushing for those things to happen, but I was just ready for them to happen. Who knows... I like my biographies, hot tea, and things that smell like roses, so maybe I am already an old woman.
While I have been trying to focus on really living in the present, especially this past year, tonight I find myself with that familiar longing... I just want to be older.
It's not because I find myself discontented with life or even bored.
I want that wisdom that comes from being older.
I want the wisdom and the grace that comes from years of living in this world and learning how to not be of this world.
.... the wisdom of treasuring a lifetimes worth of friendships.
.... the wisdom of loving and learning to really love well.
.... the wisdom of a lifetime's worth of fighting spiritual battles and winning victories.
.... the wisdom of removing labels and seeing people as they really are.
.... the wisdom of learning to really delight in the time I spend with Him.
.... the wisdom of nurturing- children, strangers, whoever is brought into my path.
.... the wisdom of living in a culture and becoming more like them than the culture in which I was born.
And no, this is not an impossible standard to hold myself to, or an impossible dream, because I know women like this... women weathered by the storms of life, lines etched in their faces from years of choosing laughter over anger.
Women with a lifetime's worth of sins, and a deeper knowledge of beautiful grace and redemption.
I was raised by these women... some biologically, some adopted me, some were in my life for only a season, and some will never meet until heaven, but their influence has forever changed me.
However, I know that this wisdom does not come without cost... mistakes, sacrifices, pain, regrets... and I wish it were possible to skip that part. Oh, if only it were possible.
And this is how He reminds me... with every mistake, every word uttered carelessly, every battle waged, every humbling moment... I am learning to love well. I am earning my wisdom.
I am a student of this grace.
I always wanted to be older... to be able to drive, vote, go to college, grow up. Not in a way like I was rushing for those things to happen, but I was just ready for them to happen. Who knows... I like my biographies, hot tea, and things that smell like roses, so maybe I am already an old woman.
While I have been trying to focus on really living in the present, especially this past year, tonight I find myself with that familiar longing... I just want to be older.
It's not because I find myself discontented with life or even bored.
I want that wisdom that comes from being older.
I want the wisdom and the grace that comes from years of living in this world and learning how to not be of this world.
.... the wisdom of treasuring a lifetimes worth of friendships.
.... the wisdom of loving and learning to really love well.
.... the wisdom of a lifetime's worth of fighting spiritual battles and winning victories.
.... the wisdom of removing labels and seeing people as they really are.
.... the wisdom of learning to really delight in the time I spend with Him.
.... the wisdom of nurturing- children, strangers, whoever is brought into my path.
.... the wisdom of living in a culture and becoming more like them than the culture in which I was born.
And no, this is not an impossible standard to hold myself to, or an impossible dream, because I know women like this... women weathered by the storms of life, lines etched in their faces from years of choosing laughter over anger.
Women with a lifetime's worth of sins, and a deeper knowledge of beautiful grace and redemption.
I was raised by these women... some biologically, some adopted me, some were in my life for only a season, and some will never meet until heaven, but their influence has forever changed me.
However, I know that this wisdom does not come without cost... mistakes, sacrifices, pain, regrets... and I wish it were possible to skip that part. Oh, if only it were possible.
And this is how He reminds me... with every mistake, every word uttered carelessly, every battle waged, every humbling moment... I am learning to love well. I am earning my wisdom.
I am a student of this grace.
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