I almost lost you this year.
I know that every minute is a risk and a second chance to
begin again. I know that in a moment everything could change.
But, then again, I like to live forgetting that reality. I
prefer the dream world where you are always there and I never have to worry
that you will leave.
So, when you get the email that says to call, and panic
starts to set in with every ring, and I hold my breath until I hear the words
“He’s going to be okay”, the dream world comes crashing down.
I don’t like to let anyone know when I cry, especially you.
Because I don’t want you to worry I am breakable. I want you to know I am
strong, and you can rest at night knowing I am ok. I can take care of myself.
But the tears did fall. It so easily could have been “Come
home” instead of “He’s ok” on the other line.
But you’re okay, and you’re still here.
I don’t know if you ever truly realize how much you need
someone until you are forced to imagine life without him.
I may be a 23 year old woman with a Bachelor’s Degree and
living on the other side of the world, but I still need you.
We don’t talk every day, but there are moments when all I
want is just to hear the sound of your voice. I don’t have to be with you, but
I know you are present. I know wherever I am in the world, you will drop
everything to come and find me if I need you.
No one can give guidance and direction like you can. I know
I can trust your words implicitly.
No one else can explain the depths and mysterious workings
of football to me as well as you can.
No one else leads with such humility and compassion.
No one else has the servant heart you do.
No one’s laugh brings a smile to my face like yours, and no
one can make me laugh like you do.
No one prays for me like you do.
No one’s voice is as comforting, as beautiful as yours.
I’ve always said that one of the qualities I look for in a
man is someone who makes me feel safe, and it’s because of you. No one else
makes me feel as safe as you.
No one can make me cry like you do. God help us if I ever
get married. You and I will need a continuous supply of jokes because if you
start to cry, then I will lose it.
I have had to learn how to trust God in deeper ways this
year. I have had to trust Him to meet my needs, to protect the people I love,
to protect me.
As I have watched you in the past year, I have learned by
example what it means to trust and how to live it out.
I don’t know where the next year will take our family. I
know what I want to happen, but I also know that I can rest, trusting that He
is greater, He is stronger, and He is good.
At least, that is what you have taught me.
I can’t wait to see what will happen as our family continues
to live in radical faith, diving deeper into what it means to follow Him. You
lead by example, and we can follow.
I am always asked why I have brown eyes. I smile and say, “I
got them from my Dad”.
You make me want to do better, to be better. Not because you
are a slave driver or harsh, but because when you know you are truly loved, you
want to honor the person who loves you. You make me set my standards higher, to
wait for a man who will let you breathe a sigh of relief. You encourage me to be my best, and you are
there to rejoice with me in the moments of joy.
I hope your day is special. Please try and enjoy as people
pour their love into you. I know attention makes you uncomfortable, but it
would be a shame to miss an opportunity to someone who means so much to so
many.
Especially to the woman who shares your name and the four
who share your chromosomes (and sense of humor).
Especially to me.
I love you so much. Remember, even when I am a 53 year old
cat lady, I will still need you.
You are my heart.
Love, Big J
“It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire He
gives.”
~Amy
Carmichael
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