Growing pains.... That's the only way I really know how to describe this week. Stretching, bending, pulling, aching.... painful.
I hate growing pains.
But I need them.
This culture is not familiar, and sometimes I feel like a giant trapped in a very small container with no room to move and struggling to breathe. These people are not familiar. They are different. Even the ones who share the same skin tone as I... I am realizing that we are all different.
Different places, stories, backgrounds, cultures, values.
I want to be in the familiar... with people who have known me since birth, love me despite my flaws, encourage me in my walk with Christ, understand my personality quirks.
Isn't that every human being's deepest desire? To be loved, accepted, understood?
I am learning that what works in my culture may not necessarily work here. I am learning that my tone of voice, my mannerisms, my thoughts, my facial expressions carry more weight than I ever imagined they could. I am navigating through new aspects of my personality I never knew I had... and how in the world do they fit here?
Unfortunately, this learning involves a lot of failing. A LOT of failing, and for the girl who has always tried to be perfect, quite frankly, it sucks.
I hate disappointing people, disappointing myself, failing to "get it", failing to get better.
To be honest, the girl who has always tried to be perfect has had her confidence shot.
And maybe, that's a good thing.
Because for three months, I have been navigating my new culture through my own human strength, my own wisdom, my own intuition.
But my own human wisdom is nothing but sinking sand, and when you build everything on sinking sand, it's bound to fall apart.
And it took falling apart to realize that I am trying to do this on my own, and I just can't.
Because the girl who always wants to be perfect just isn't, and she never will be.
Only He is perfect. Only He is my strength. Only He is the giver of wisdom and grace.
I am learning that sometimes, in His grace, He allows things to fall apart. I am grateful that in this circumstance, He allowed my confidence to shatter and break because I desperately need Him. Without it, I never would have realized how much I needed to change.
I never would have experienced the growing pains.
And now, my heart is growing up.
I hate growing pains.
But I need them.
This culture is not familiar, and sometimes I feel like a giant trapped in a very small container with no room to move and struggling to breathe. These people are not familiar. They are different. Even the ones who share the same skin tone as I... I am realizing that we are all different.
Different places, stories, backgrounds, cultures, values.
I want to be in the familiar... with people who have known me since birth, love me despite my flaws, encourage me in my walk with Christ, understand my personality quirks.
Isn't that every human being's deepest desire? To be loved, accepted, understood?
I am learning that what works in my culture may not necessarily work here. I am learning that my tone of voice, my mannerisms, my thoughts, my facial expressions carry more weight than I ever imagined they could. I am navigating through new aspects of my personality I never knew I had... and how in the world do they fit here?
Unfortunately, this learning involves a lot of failing. A LOT of failing, and for the girl who has always tried to be perfect, quite frankly, it sucks.
I hate disappointing people, disappointing myself, failing to "get it", failing to get better.
To be honest, the girl who has always tried to be perfect has had her confidence shot.
And maybe, that's a good thing.
Because for three months, I have been navigating my new culture through my own human strength, my own wisdom, my own intuition.
But my own human wisdom is nothing but sinking sand, and when you build everything on sinking sand, it's bound to fall apart.
And it took falling apart to realize that I am trying to do this on my own, and I just can't.
Because the girl who always wants to be perfect just isn't, and she never will be.
Only He is perfect. Only He is my strength. Only He is the giver of wisdom and grace.
I am learning that sometimes, in His grace, He allows things to fall apart. I am grateful that in this circumstance, He allowed my confidence to shatter and break because I desperately need Him. Without it, I never would have realized how much I needed to change.
I never would have experienced the growing pains.
And now, my heart is growing up.
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