We had been dreaming of this day together for seventeen years. We played "Pretty, Pretty Princess" and wondered what he would look like, what dresses we would wear, the flowers, the guests, etc. We giggled, we stressed, and I perfected my skills as a steamer and therapist as the day drew closer and closer.
On May 7, 2011, I stood by my best friend... the person who knows me better than pretty much anyone... and watched as she pledged her life to her new best friend, the man she and I had been praying for. Because, when you love someone, their dreams become yours as well. She was absolutely beautiful, he was handsome, and my dress wasn't too shabby either.
That day could not have come smoothly without preparations... showers, fittings, appointments, and planning. Yet, more importantly, preparations were being made in my heart as He was drawing me to something deeper. I had been settling, and He was calling me to go further and come nearer to Him. These preparations have continued far past the day of my best friend's wedding.
This year has been a year of lessons... some learned the hard way (ex: never let someone you don't know cut your hair), some learned through the mistakes of others, some finally realized after long periods of struggle.
One of the most important lessons I learned this year is that it is ok to believe in love.
Let me explain:
It's a tricky thing living as a single woman in today's culture, especially when most of your friends are married, engaged, or seriously dating someone. On one hand, I am supposed to be fiercely independent, able to do whatever I please and leave a trail of broken hearts in my dust. Yet, the same culture that tells me I must be independent also tells me that I am incomplete without someone by my side. There is a fine line between being available and being desperate... a line every woman is terrified of crossing.
But, how is a woman supposed to maneuver in this world if she has been hurt? broken? left with scars that leave her painfully afraid of being hurt again?
My response to my pain has been to build walls.
That way, when someone asks me who I am dating, I can roll my eyes or laugh about how I "don't have time for a man". I can go to weddings or listen to someone else's love story and not feel a thing. I also avoid listening to love stories and prefer to limit my contact with sappy songs or romantic comedies. Why? Because I don't need that stuff. Because love is great, but it's not for me.
My response has been to shut down. I don't want to seem desperate, so I joke or make sarcastic comments about my lack of romantic prospects. And I don't want to seem too independent, because I've heard that pushes people away. So I shut down my emotions, that way, when I hear about anything romantic, I won't walk away wishing for something similar. I am very good at going through motions.
But God has been ever so gently revealing something to me, taking me closer to Him. This mindset, this wall of cynicism has been blinding me to the beauty around me. It's like I've been in the middle of a beautiful garden, but all I can see is dead flowers and weeds around me. I am missing out on the beauty, the joy.
In trying to protect myself, I have quit believing in love altogether.... the kind of love that says, "I choose you. I want you". I would rather shut down and never experience love than ever be rejected by someone.
The only problem is, if I refuse to believe in this kind of love, then I am refusing to believe in the love God offers me. In my brokenness and my pain, He chose me. He looked at me and said "I want you. I know you are damaged, but my love is bigger". Do you know the freedom that comes when you realize this? No matter what dirt you are covered with, the Creator of the universe chooses you, wants you.
When I began to accept this and really believe this, it's like the scales fell from my eyes. Suddenly I could see the beauty of life around me: the streams of crystal clear water, the rainbow, the flowers, the soft fields of grass. He began to show me reflections of His love around me, His love that chooses.
I saw it in the lives of my little ones... little ones chosen and placed in forever families, and some little ones He chose to bring home to Him.
I saw it reflected through friendships... friendships that have walked with me through heartache, fire, and joy.
I saw it reflected in family... those who have seen me at my worst and still remain here, by my side.
I saw it reflected in supporters... people God has given the grace to believe in me.
I saw it reflected in men and women... dear ones who are being drawn to Him and accepting His love.
I saw it reflected in love stories... dear friends choosing commitment and sacrfice for one another because of His love.
His love has drawn me out of my walls, drawn me closer to a kind of love that chooses. His love is not easy and it involves pain, but doesn't everything beautiful come with risk? If I ever want to be chosen, then I must first be willing to choose to love others around me.
Love is a verb. A decision. Not a fancy. Not a feeling. A choice.
And it's ok. It's ok to believe in a love that chooses because I know such a love exists. I have seen it, and I can testify to it;s goodness.
I saw this love in the eyes of my best friend... it was there as she gazed into the eyes of her husband. It has been there for the past seventeen years as we have walked through the good and the bad of life together.
Believing in love does not make me desperate. It does not mean I am now dependent.
Instead, it means that I am making a choice to embrace the love of the One who loved me when I was covered in the dirt of my failures.
And I am never letting go.
On May 7, 2011, I stood by my best friend... the person who knows me better than pretty much anyone... and watched as she pledged her life to her new best friend, the man she and I had been praying for. Because, when you love someone, their dreams become yours as well. She was absolutely beautiful, he was handsome, and my dress wasn't too shabby either.
That day could not have come smoothly without preparations... showers, fittings, appointments, and planning. Yet, more importantly, preparations were being made in my heart as He was drawing me to something deeper. I had been settling, and He was calling me to go further and come nearer to Him. These preparations have continued far past the day of my best friend's wedding.
This year has been a year of lessons... some learned the hard way (ex: never let someone you don't know cut your hair), some learned through the mistakes of others, some finally realized after long periods of struggle.
One of the most important lessons I learned this year is that it is ok to believe in love.
Let me explain:
It's a tricky thing living as a single woman in today's culture, especially when most of your friends are married, engaged, or seriously dating someone. On one hand, I am supposed to be fiercely independent, able to do whatever I please and leave a trail of broken hearts in my dust. Yet, the same culture that tells me I must be independent also tells me that I am incomplete without someone by my side. There is a fine line between being available and being desperate... a line every woman is terrified of crossing.
But, how is a woman supposed to maneuver in this world if she has been hurt? broken? left with scars that leave her painfully afraid of being hurt again?
My response to my pain has been to build walls.
That way, when someone asks me who I am dating, I can roll my eyes or laugh about how I "don't have time for a man". I can go to weddings or listen to someone else's love story and not feel a thing. I also avoid listening to love stories and prefer to limit my contact with sappy songs or romantic comedies. Why? Because I don't need that stuff. Because love is great, but it's not for me.
My response has been to shut down. I don't want to seem desperate, so I joke or make sarcastic comments about my lack of romantic prospects. And I don't want to seem too independent, because I've heard that pushes people away. So I shut down my emotions, that way, when I hear about anything romantic, I won't walk away wishing for something similar. I am very good at going through motions.
But God has been ever so gently revealing something to me, taking me closer to Him. This mindset, this wall of cynicism has been blinding me to the beauty around me. It's like I've been in the middle of a beautiful garden, but all I can see is dead flowers and weeds around me. I am missing out on the beauty, the joy.
In trying to protect myself, I have quit believing in love altogether.... the kind of love that says, "I choose you. I want you". I would rather shut down and never experience love than ever be rejected by someone.
The only problem is, if I refuse to believe in this kind of love, then I am refusing to believe in the love God offers me. In my brokenness and my pain, He chose me. He looked at me and said "I want you. I know you are damaged, but my love is bigger". Do you know the freedom that comes when you realize this? No matter what dirt you are covered with, the Creator of the universe chooses you, wants you.
When I began to accept this and really believe this, it's like the scales fell from my eyes. Suddenly I could see the beauty of life around me: the streams of crystal clear water, the rainbow, the flowers, the soft fields of grass. He began to show me reflections of His love around me, His love that chooses.
I saw it in the lives of my little ones... little ones chosen and placed in forever families, and some little ones He chose to bring home to Him.
I saw it reflected through friendships... friendships that have walked with me through heartache, fire, and joy.
I saw it reflected in family... those who have seen me at my worst and still remain here, by my side.
I saw it reflected in supporters... people God has given the grace to believe in me.
I saw it reflected in men and women... dear ones who are being drawn to Him and accepting His love.
I saw it reflected in love stories... dear friends choosing commitment and sacrfice for one another because of His love.
His love has drawn me out of my walls, drawn me closer to a kind of love that chooses. His love is not easy and it involves pain, but doesn't everything beautiful come with risk? If I ever want to be chosen, then I must first be willing to choose to love others around me.
Love is a verb. A decision. Not a fancy. Not a feeling. A choice.
And it's ok. It's ok to believe in a love that chooses because I know such a love exists. I have seen it, and I can testify to it;s goodness.
I saw this love in the eyes of my best friend... it was there as she gazed into the eyes of her husband. It has been there for the past seventeen years as we have walked through the good and the bad of life together.
Believing in love does not make me desperate. It does not mean I am now dependent.
Instead, it means that I am making a choice to embrace the love of the One who loved me when I was covered in the dirt of my failures.
And I am never letting go.
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