Am I Worth It?

       This is an article I wrote for a friend that appeared in her magazine "One Voice", a small magazine circulating in Manila. The theme of the magazine was "Love", and she asked me to give thoughts on whether or not girls should pursue guys. So, this is the result:

Am I Worth It?

Going past the surface and getting to the heart.

    

      “I just don’t understand. Why don’t boys like me?” I complained to my friend as we sat on her couch, eating cookies and spending another Valentine’s Day alone.

       I was a junior in college. I was active in my campus ministry, had great friends, lived on my own, was successful in school, and my acne had finally cleared. By all appearances, I had it all together.

       However, I still did not have the one thing my heart truly craved… connection to another human being, a relationship, love. Call it what you want, but I had none of it. It wasn’t that I had offers and the men weren’t eligible. No one was asking, and as I looked into the future, my prospects were grimmer than ever.

      This left me alone on yet another Valentine’s night and contemplating the reasons for being alone.

       “Jordan, I think the reason why boys are not interested is because you act like you don’t need them,” my dear friend lovingly responded.

        “What?”

         “My mom always told me that guys want to be needed, to feel like they are a necessary part of your life. You’re pretty independent, and that can be really intimidating for guys”.

           I don’t remember much about the rest of the evening, but her advice is something that has always stuck with me.

           And it’s something I have struggled with ever since because it wasn’t the first time I have been given such advice.

           I was raised to believe that boys are the initiators and girls are the responders. My parents and youth leaders drilled into my mind that boys want girls who wait for them to be the men in the relationship and take a stand. I was never allowed to call boys, text them, email them, or even send them letters via pigeons. For most of my childhood, I believed my parents and waited for the right guys to come… the guys who would be impressed by my patience.

            But those boys never pursued me. The boys I liked always ended up liking my friends… seriously, it became an epidemic. As I watched these girls, the way they interacted with boys, the way they always seemed to have someone (including the boys I liked), I began to wonder… just what was wrong with me?

            Because, according to my parents, youth leaders, etc., these girls shouldn’t have gotten the boys. They were the girls who made the first move, the girls who called first, the girls who gave their numbers and initiated the texting conversation. They flirted, they made their desires blatantly obvious to everyone within a ten kilometer radius… and, they were never alone.

            This trend didn’t end in high school, but obviously continued until college. A few guys here and there pursued me, but they didn’t reflect the kind of guy I wanted… a guy who would pursue me because he liked me. Not because of what he could gain from me, but because I was worth it.

            And I think that is what it all boils down to…. Because regardless of what you believe about whether or not a girl should call a boy, when she can say she’s interested, who should make the first move, blah, blah, blah… there is a very important issue that must first be addressed before any relationship can take place.

            I want a boy to pursue me because I want someone to believe I am worth it. I am worth the time, the effort, the potential heartbreak, and the risk that this could be the beautiful start of a lifelong love.

            And therein lies the heart issue… Why do I need a boy to pursue me in order to validate my worth?

            Because that’s what we are taught, isn’t it, from the earliest stages of childhood. Our Disney movies gave us princesses who dreamed of love and were unsatisfied until the prince arrived to complete their happiness. We began wearing makeup, planning each outfit with intense scrutiny, and analyzed every pore on our face, every curve of our bodies in order to be enough.

            Beautiful enough, pretty enough, smart enough, confidant enough, good enough for them, the boys who would one day pursue us.

            And some of us grow tired of waiting. We try everything, and still he hasn’t come, so instead, we begin the pursuit. After all, this is the age of feminism and independence. Why wait when I can just get take matters into my own hands?

            This method may work. By calling, texting, flirting, making your intentions obvious to him and everyone else, you might get the guy. But will he be the one your heart dreams about, the one who is willing to believe you are worth the effort? Will he stick around when life gets hard, the makeup fades, and the wrinkles set in with time? Probably not. Because the guy worth waiting for is the one who will pursue, reflecting the image of Jesus as He pursues us.

            It has taken me a long time to realize this, and to be honest, it’s not always easy to keep believing. I see the people around me happy and in relationships, and I can’t help but want that for myself.

            But I am not pursuing. Instead I am waiting. Why? Because I am worth the effort.

            Because 2,000 years ago, Jesus decided I was worth the effort. He decided that I was worth every risk, every heart ache, every moment of pain because the struggle would be worth it.

            And you, dear friend, are worth it. Even if you are unhappy with the curves or shape of your body. Even if you may not be the smartest, the prettiest, etc., you have value in the eyes of Jesus. You are worth every ounce of His precious blood, and He believes you are worth the wait, worth His very best (which may be different from your idea of best). He knows you deeper than you know yourself, and He knows the desires of your heart.

            He is the ultimate pursuer. My worth does not revolve around whether or not another human being finds me desirable. It is not based on the opinions of others. My identity does not rest in a Facebook status or relationship label. Instead, my identity and my worth is found in Jesus Christ, and because He fought and won my heart, then I will wait for someone who will do the same. It may mean that I spend more Valentine’s Days single, more Friday nights alone. But that’s okay. Because He is worth it… so am I, and so are you.