An Old Soul...

      I've always been described as an old woman in a whatever-age-I-am-at the-time-of-comment's body. Maybe some would describe it as an old soul, mature, or maybe just plain boring.

      I always wanted to be older... to be able to drive, vote, go to college, grow up. Not in a way like I was rushing for those things to happen, but I was just ready for them to happen. Who knows... I like my biographies, hot tea, and things that smell like roses, so maybe I am already an old woman.

      While I have been trying to focus on really living in the present, especially this past year, tonight I find myself with that familiar longing... I just want to be older.

       It's not because I find myself discontented with life or even bored.

       I want that wisdom that comes from being older.

       I want the wisdom and the grace that comes from years of living in this world and learning how to not be of this world.

        .... the wisdom of treasuring a lifetimes worth of friendships.

        .... the wisdom of loving and learning to really love well.

        .... the wisdom of a lifetime's worth of fighting spiritual battles and winning victories.

        .... the wisdom of removing labels and seeing people as they really are.

        .... the wisdom of learning to really delight in the time I spend with Him.

        .... the wisdom of nurturing- children, strangers, whoever is brought into my path.

        .... the wisdom of living in a culture and becoming more like them than the culture in which I was         born.

     And no, this is not an impossible standard to hold myself to, or an impossible dream, because I know women like this... women weathered by the storms of life, lines etched in their faces from years of choosing laughter over anger.

     Women with a lifetime's worth of sins, and a deeper knowledge of beautiful grace and redemption.

     I was raised by these women... some biologically, some adopted me, some were in my life for only a season, and some will never meet until heaven, but their influence has forever changed me.

     However, I know that this wisdom does not come without cost... mistakes, sacrifices, pain, regrets... and I wish it were possible to skip that part. Oh, if only it were possible.

     And this is how He reminds me... with every mistake, every word uttered carelessly, every battle waged, every humbling moment... I am learning to love well. I am earning my wisdom.

     I am a student of this grace.

   

Even in this Season

     The rain has been falling in intervals... first slowly, then a steady beat, then it will relent for a few minutes, only to repeat the cycle again. It is always cold.

      Manila is closed today as flood waters rise in certain parts of the city. Our babies are safe here in a home on high ground. The kids color and make hot chocolate. We bury ourselves in paper work.

      It has been a week of rain, water falling from heaven like I wish tears could fall from my face.

      We lost two babies last week.

      She had come on Sunday, her body starved and tight with a year's worth of rejection. We held, we whispered, kissed, cherished, caressed the soft little cheeks that held potential for such beauty and grace.

      Her name means "Resurrection". I prayed for a resurrection of her body and soul. He had something different in mind.

       I don't understand, and I know I will not for a long time. I may never.

       I have to trust that He is still God over this season.

       Less than eight hours after she went to Him, our sweet little boy, the one who had been defying the odds for years fell unconscious.

       His little body, the one I have held and loved, the one I have kissed, the beautiful little grin of mischief... it struggled. There is no other way to put it. His death was hard. It was ugly, and in this country, there was nothing we could do.

       And now he is gone. She is gone. And my questions are not.

       And the heart that was able to detach for the necessary purpose of doing my job, is now trying to find it's way back to my body.

       Sometimes the rain doesn't always bring healing.

       I love to play in the rain, to run and jump in the puddles, to feel the wind on my face. I have since I was little. The rain was my friend, my comfort.

       Even now, part of me wants to run as fast and far as I can into the rain until I feel... cold, wet, feverish, alive... something. Anything.

       And I can't take pleasure in this rain, knowing that while I am safe, the little ones I love are frightened and clutching the rooftops of their little shacks.

       I want to be there. To run there, to fly there, to do anything to help and keep them safe.

       But I can't.

       I have to trust He is God, even in this season.

       And so we wait... for answers that may never come, a grief that may never be observed, a heart that won't fit quite right anymore, for the floodwaters to subside.

Rainy Season

     Dark clouds loomed over our heads, have been looming overhead for days. It's rainy season, nothing new. The air is thick and humid, often oppressive until the water is released from the sky, leaving a gentle chill in its aftermath.

     But dark clouds do not deter, and we press forward to the people we love.

     We walk through the dirt, the garbage, the "other word" I really want to use because it is the best way to describe the ground beneath my feet. They join us. The find our hands and call out welcomes. They smile and walk beside us, joining a merry caravan of brown and white skin.

      If I look with human eyes, I see nothing but tragedy.

      I walk beside a coffin, the same coffin with the same body there last week, still unmoved because the family will not pay for the burial. The sisters chant in deep and pain filled voices for God to save her soul, not realizing her soul's fate has already been decided. She knew the truth, this we are certain. What she did with that truth, I don't know. But I hug the smiling face of her daughter, and we continue to walk.

     I see the baby girl with hydrocephalus, the one who still has not been to the doctor. The one who, unless there is a miracle, will die.

    I look at the little girl too afraid to get close, and I beckon her to come, but she won't. She is afraid.

    My heart reflects to my other country, the pain of a night with friends and family gone terribly wrong. A community shaken, a country rocked, and we think and ask God why.

    And I look around and see the disease, the neglect, the poverty, the pain, and ask God why. Where is He? How is this fair?

     Then I look inside, my own garbage coating my heart from the numerous falls and failures. And I look into His gentle eyes as He offers to cleanse, and I shake my head "No". Because the dirt is comfortable, and I have to admit my failures to be washed. I am too good for this grace. Send it to someone who will wear it well, because I can do nothing but soil it over and over.

     We make our way into a small home with a man stretched on a bed, death at the door, darkness within. And we pray. Life is spoken, grace offered and received. Family and friends watch as another candle in a dark world is lit and begins to burn.

      We leave the little home, adding more. Little hands are holding mine. Two little girls, not letting go.

       The clouds are darker and the rain is coming. We must hurry, but we must stop and watch.

       This man should have died a year ago, but he is healed.

       This woman should have died, but she is healed. She has a baby, a miracle child. life coming where death should have won.

       This baby, my sweet baby, healing. United with the family who loves her, she is a completely different child.

        And He is here. He reveals himself when I look through His eyes.

        We make our way back to the basketball court where the little ones have gathered. The rain begins to fall... little droplets, and they crowd under umbrellas.

         The rain falls harder, and my body is wet. Soaked, in a cold shower.

         And they sing...

         Their voices drowning the sound of wind and rain. They cry out, little hearts understanding truth and dancing to the beat. The water falls steadily, cleansing, washing away the dirt from our bodies.

         And we play in the rain.

         In this culture, it is believed that being out in the rain will make you seriously ill. They don't play in the rain.

         But they did. They splashed and ran and jumped and laughed.

         Freedom.
   
         Dry bones absorbing the moisture and coming to life. The beauty of sweet freedom, of joy.

         I think He watched in that moment, splashing and singing beside us, rejoicing in the healing He brings.

         And I, the girl who spent the first 22 years of life under blankets and hidden from the storms, open my arms wide, and I embrace the little girl who came running toward me... the little girl I had been looking for all day.

         There is a reason rain comes more than once, to continually cleanse. And grace comes hourly, by the moment as times, to constantly pour healing.

          So I open my hands and allow the cleansing to begin.

          And I rejoice... for the time of cleansing is coming, and these dry bones will walk.

          Rain is a season... a season to welcome life.

          And all things are made new.

         The rain stopped when we left, and I can't help but think there was a purpose to the timing. There is something coming for these people. I believe it.

         And after the rain will come the harvest.

     

And One Day They Will Be Queens

     It began with a hand, her little hand grabbing mine. They were walking in the opposite direction when they saw us, she and her little sister, another little friend and his brother.

     She saw and she grabbed my hand, and they joined our little band of merry women as we walked the paths they take every day. And she didn't let go... except when I let go to hug the grandmother I haven't seen in a long time, the baby with the swollen head full of water, the little girl I have been looking for and finally found.

     But she waited, patiently, for me to return. And she grabbed my hand again and didn't let go.

     The hand soon turned into an arm around my waist, and then two. And the little arms became a hug, and she opened them to welcome others.

     But she didn't leave my side, and to be honest, I didn't want to leave hers.

     From hand to hug to shared giggle to hearts that mutually speak please don't let me go.

     And I saw her... another little girl. A familiar face I have a picture of from two years ago. I don't know if she remembers me, but I have carried that face in my heart. I met the little sisters she leads by the hand. An unsure and uncomfortable hug goodbye. I have missed her, and now there is a name to attach to the face.

     Still this other one. One little girl I have known for years. She will call my name and say "Hello", but she won't come near. Her smiles hold a world of secrets and I wonder what her life is like when all is silent and we are gone.

      The dreams I have for the little girls in this area, really, they are because of her.

       And there are still more... big sisters with the weight of the world on their shoulders, the hugs I won't dare let go before they do. And we smile and whisper blessings and prayers because they have value.

        Their world says they have nothing, but He sees them and they are valuable and precious and cherished.

         Sweet little princesses, your King delights in you. How do I help you know?

Trust, Love, and Letting Go

I don't get to keep her.

At some point, the little girl who has captured my heart will be taken away... either to return home to parents or home to Jesus, depending on how well her body can fight this disease.

How do you love someone, knowing she will eventually leave?

One day at a time. One moment at a time.

If I hold back and build walls, then I am not doing what He has called.

He has called to love, to delight, to bless.

And really, those bright eyes and quick smile make it very easy to love.

We went to the beach the other day. I wanted her to feel the sand, to feel the water, to feel something.

I think I had this mental image of her holding my hand and walking on the beach, feeling the sand between her toes. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, dolphins were jumping out of the water...

But really, I should have known better because my little princess does not like dirt.

Instead, she held me the entire time, perfectly content to experience the waves from the safety of my arms.

We sat on the shore, feeling the cool breeze as it flowed over the ocean. The cloudy sky provided a calm, and we watched the other kids splash in the water.

She never smiled or laughed. She simply gazed at the ocean as if trying to process everything around her.

And as I held her, she drew nearer to me, her heart learning to trust mine... to trust that I am not letting her go, I am meeting her needs, I am safe, I am not going to toss her in the ocean and run away.

Once again, He draws a parallel and opens my eyes.

Trust me.

Because I feel like my baby girl. I am staring at a crashing ocean, very unsure, surrounded by the unfamiliar. And He has dreams for me of dancing and playing in the water.

But really, I am not ready. I just want to be held. And I hold tight and don't let go.

Gently, ever so gently, he whispers that it's ok, and He continues to whisper His dreams, His love.

Eventually, I will be able to let go of His neck and hold His hand. My trust is growing. And even though  I am staring at an ocean of uncertainty, He holds and He doesn't let go, and He never pushes, unless He knows it's time.

So I have to trust that He knows what He is doing with the baby in my arms. He will not rip her away from me. He will not toss me into a raging ocean.

He will prepare. He will be gentle.

I treat every minute with her as a gift. I pray over her, speak blessing, and I remind her she is loved.

I want to plan and my heart wants to assess the situation, but if I do that, then I will miss out on the joy of this little girl in this moment.

It will be painful. Giving away your heart is never easy, and there is a reason why I sing praise is a sacrifice.

But it is worth it. I look into her eyes, and I know she is worth it.

And I breathe deep, relaxing in His arms and I know, He is worth it. 

Soon

I stood around a kitchen counter tonight with some of my dearest friends, and I thought of you.

One father absent.

Two fathers dead.

One father emotionally absent, too absorbed in his own problems to understand.

And I though of you.

Maybe it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But what I am finding is that the longer I am away, the more I am grateful, the more I realize just how much I owe you.

Because you didn't have to stay.

But you did.

You didn't have to love.

But you did.

You didn't have to come to every dance recital, quiz bowl competition, family game night, breakfast time, church service, random performance...

But you did.

You didn't have to say yes when He called me to the other side of the world.

But you did.

And I can never say thank you enough.

I believe that God is a good Dad... because you are a good dad.

I believe that God is someone I can trust... because you have never broken my trust.

I believe that I have value... because you showed me my value.

I believe that to be a leader, I must be a servant... because you lead by serving.

I believe that every human being has worth and dignity... because you demonstrate that for me every day.

I have high standards... because you have laid a foundation and shown me a love worth waiting for.

I speak blessing over my little ones... because you have spoken blessing over me.

You love me. I have never doubted that once in my life.

I have never been afraid of you.

I respect you more and more with each day.

And soon, very soon Daddy, I will get to show you the places my feet walk every day. I will show you my home. I will introduce you to my little ones, my favorite places in the world.

And it's all because of you. Because You have demonstrated a complete trust in Jesus that has given me the freedom to follow Him with all of my heart.

And soon, very soon, you will be getting the biggest hug I can possibly give.

I love you sir. My hero, my heart. And I can't wait to hear your laugh...

Soon!

Every Breath is a Second Chance

Breathe.... just keep breathing.

I pray, I whisper to the baby girl who has captured my heart in the past 6 days.

The baby I had to leave behind while I go to school.

And I go through the motions and try to stay alert, but I keep whispering "Breathe, please".

Because her little body has been overtaken by parasites, and we don't know if she is strong enough to get them out.

Her little heart beats, and she keeps breathing, but it is hard. So hard.

But she continues to smile and laugh and talk in her little baby babble.

She communicates with me, pointing to what she wants, holding out her arms when she wants to be held.

I didn't mean to fall in love.

No really, I didn't.

But what could I do? How do I resist those little curls, big brown eyes, and those sweet little fingers.

I want her to hold on. Wait, don't go. Not yet.

Wait, my sister is coming. She wants to meet you. Just a few more weeks.

Wait, you have to grow up. Make it to another birthday, and then another.

Wait, I want to hold you. I want to play. I want to hear you speak again. I want to see that smile.

Please, Jesus.

I lay hands and I speak life and blessing.

I do "Happy Thoughts" as I have done over my other babies.

And I pray, and I wait, and I trust that He is bigger.

He is stronger.

He wouldn't give me anything that He will not hold me through.

Breathe, baby girl. Just keep breathing. Please.