Overwhelmed by Joy

It's funny....

Funny how one little person can completely change your world.

I looked into her eyes Saturday morning... those big brown eyes I had traveled over eight hours to see. She taught me how to play games and hula hoop. We made popsicles, snuggled while watching a movie, and at one point fell to the floor in a pile while trying to roller skate. I watched her sing in the children's choir, met her friends, laughed with her mom and big sister.

And I am overwhelmed.

When I doubt the faithfulness of the Lord, I look at her.

When I question if God is good, if His purpose is sure, if He really cares about every intimate detail of our lives, I look at her.

When I need to be reminded that He makes all things new and transforms our ashes into beauty, I look at her.

It's funny how even now, He uses her to help the broken pieces of my heart heal. Her contagious laugh and big smile. The way she always says,"What?" just to be silly. My sweet little sister.

And He uses her to renew my heart with purpose. Because there are so many more just like her. Many more who are broken and need His healing. Many more who need to find freedom and hear the sound of their own laughter.

Many more... His precious little ones, His miracles... who deserve families, birthday parties, report cards, and bicylces. Little ones who deserve to know they are loved.

I am not sure what my life is going to entail and how He is going to use me. I do know that when He first brought this little girl into my life, I had a choice. I could love her with my whole heart, or I could keep her at a distance. By His grace, I loved.

There will be more choices, more that He will bring me with stories that will be more heartbreaking, and may not have happy endings. And once again, He will give me the option of loving completely or keeping a distance. I pray that I will always choose love, because even though it hurts, it is so worth it.

To see the life and joy in her eyes, to watch as she bonds with her mom, to pray over her as she falls asleep... is so worth it.

He is worth it. And my heart is overwhelmed.

Embracing Fear

Sometimes the fear is good. I know that fear is classified as “sin” most of the time, unless it is the fear of God, but sometimes, I embrace my fear instead of running away from it.

Let me explain.

When I was little, I was terrified of thunderstorms. I had some scary experiences as a child, and for me, thunderstorms often meant at least a power outage and the threat of tornadoes. I also had a large window in my room that did nothing to block the bright streaks of lightning, which promptly woke me up.

Filled with fear, I would go downstairs to my parents’ room. If they didn’t let me in their bed, then I would make a pallet on the floor. And if they still said no, then I would move to the couch.

To me, my parents equaled safety. For some reason, as a child, I believed that if a storm or tornado was coming, it couldn’t touch me as long as I was close to my parents. I also believed that if a tornado was coming, then they would hear it and move my sisters and I to safety.

My fear of storms caused my faith and trust in my parents to grow stronger because I believed, no matter what, they could protect me. In their presence, I was safe.

Today, I have a lot of small fears such as clowns, mimes, roller coasters, people without clothing, snakes, free falling from thousands of feet in the air, possums, etc. These fears I believe are completely legitimate, and I have no intention of overcoming them, so don’t even try to help me.

Yet there are other fears, deep fears, which can be crippling if I let them… Telling someone I love how I really feel, the unknown, failure, rejection, disappointing others, facing new situations and circumstances.

The temptation is to run home, dive under my covers, and stay in bed away from the dangers of venturing into the world.

With every fiber of my being, I want to be safe. I don’t what to get hurt. I sure as heck don’t want to hurt others either.

But if I run away, then I miss out on life.

Instead, I embrace my fear. And in my fear, I run to Him.

I feel like I am standing at the beginning of a road. All around me is blackness except for a single light in the distance. I want Him to light the past for me, to make everything bright so I can see.

But He never promised to make everything bright. Instead, He promised to be my light, to hold my hand as I walk, very slowly, in the darkness.

Did I mention I am afraid of the dark?

I hate it. I kick and I scream, but I don’t want to let go. Because, even more so than my fear of the dark, I am afraid of being alone. So I cry and beg for Him not to leave me, to never let go.

And He puts His arm around my shoulders, and He pulls me closer, and He grabs my hand tighter, and He whispers, “I will never leave you or forsake you”.

In my fear, I run to Him, faster and faster. Because, I will face anything, as long as I am with Him.

I embrace my fear, and my faith and trust in Him grows stronger. Because, I believe, no matter what, He will protect me. In His presence, I am safe.

He Doesn't Know

He doesn't know he's an orphan.

All he knows are the walls surrounding him. He was born inside these walls, has spent his life here.

He doesn't know she couldn't keep him. I believe in my heart she wanted to, but she had no options. She had offers... offers to send him elsewhere. But in the end, she kept him where he would be safe, loved.

He doesn't know his mother is gone. Or maybe, he does. Could one so young really understand? Or maybe there is just an awareness of something missing. We often like to think little ones are oblivious, but they know... deep down, they know.

He knows that when he is hungry, he is fed. When he is dirty, he is bathed. When he needs to sleep, there is a place for him to rest. But he doesn't now this isn't forever.

He doesn't know that I miss him, that sometimes, like now, it physically hurts because I can't hold him.

There are milestones missed... the crawling, babbling, first words, and first steps.

He doesn't know that I pray, consistently, for him... that he is held, protected, healing, loved.

He doesn't know I wait anxiously, dreaming of the day when I can finally be with him again to hold and snuggle. But it still hurts because he won't know me anymore. The trust I worked so hard to build will be gone, because I left.

There are things I have to give to God, trusting that He is bigger. For some reason, this little one was placed in my life... for a season, forever, I don't know. But I will pray and I will fight on his behalf until God says otherwise.

The Art of Letting Go

      The water is cold. It stings a little, the shock of it's coolness against my bare skin. I wiggle my toes deeper into the sand, as if by burying myself I can be more firmly planted, more united with the water and its movement.

     The sun is gentle, high above my head, but not bearing down on me as Florida sunshine typically likes to do. That delicious wind, full of salt and promise, flows around me. I have been near the ocean in other countries, but the breeze does not carry the same feeling as this wind. I have grown up with this wind. It has been a prominent figure in many memories I have had throughout life, both good and bad. We are old friends.

     In my hand, two rocks, labeled with names. I clutch them close to me, scared of dropping them in the water, releasing them too soon....

     Over the past few weeks, I have been praying that God would teach me the art of letting go. You see, I like my plans, my issues, my baggage. I feel comfortable with them. I am used to them. They have become a part of me.

      Yet, ever so gently, the relentless Lover of my soul has been revealing things to me that are holding me back from Him. As I am about to embark on a new journey in life, one that will take me deeper than I can even imagine at this point, I have to remove the excess. I have to remove what is not drawing me closer to him.

      But, it's so hard. I know God wants what is best for me, and I know that he will be glorified. But I am afraid. You see, I have been trying.... oh so desperately trying.... to let go. Some baggage I have been holding onto for years.

     And you know what? As much as I try and sacrifice and lay everything down on the altar, I still can't. Because, on my own, I am not strong enough.

      He then led me to the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham is given his long awaited child, and then, he is asked to sacrifice him. God asks what is seemingly impossible to me, and Abraham says yes. How could he just say yes? How could he offer his son to you like that?

      He was able to do so because he "assumed that if Isaac died, God was able to bring him back to life again." (Hebrews 11:19)

      God had already done these amazing miracles in Abraham's life... the latest bringing him a child in his old age. So, if God asked him to do this, then there must be a plan in there somewhere and God would work it out.

       But, here is my question: What if Isaac had died, and God didn't bring him back? What then?

       There in lies my question... the real reason why I can't let go: What if I release these names, these dreams, and these plans, and then, I don't get them back? What do I do?

       You trust.

      Are you kidding me? There is no way it's that simple. Do you not understand God? This is everything to me. Where do I go from here?

       You trust.

      I have to admit, I am tired. So tired. It's like I have been walking around with a huge weight on my back... a weight I was never meant to carry. I am tired of wrestling with God, compromising, and trying to figure things out on my own.

      The problem is, the water in Florida is not very clear. I could paint these rocks neon and still would not be able to find them once I throw them into the ocean. In the same way, He asks me to let go with no promise of returning.

      His ways are higher. His love is sure. He is strong, and he is good. He does not abandon.

      Do I really believe this?

      Do I really believe that God is who He says He is?

      Do I trust?

      One by one, I open my fingers that have been so desperately curled around my rocks. They lay flat on my palms. I speak their names. I speak my dreams, my hopes, my fears, everything I had so carefully planned. Then I breathe. And then, I throw.

       Two rocks, representing everything I am, everything I have been clinging to with bloody and exhausted fingers. Gone. Into the deep ocean.

      I stand there, staring for a moment. The familiar feeling of peace washes over me. The feeling that He is with me, He is pleased, and I am walkign towards Him. I am free. I am letting go.

      I love this mental imageof throwing rocks into the ocean, because it is so final. Only God could find those rocks... just as letting go is supposed to be final, and those dreams will only resurface if he lets them.

      But I will not wait around and hope for those dreams to resurface. Instead, I will live, and I will trust.

     And what do you do when a giant weight has been lifted off your weary shoulders for the first time?

     You run. Deep into the sunset. Into the heart of God.

Promises Meant to be Kept

I feel like such an idiot sometimes.

I have seen it over and over again. His faithfulness, His goodness, His complete fulfillment of promises and dreams. I have seen, heard, and testified.

And yet, I still doubt.

Thank God his plans are not completely dependent upon the strength of my faith, or else, we wouldn't get anywhere.

"You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said." Luke 1:45

"God, who calls you is faithful; he will do this." 1 Thesselonians 5:24

I sat in church tonight, listening as my grandmother shared the story of God's faithfulness to a man in their congregation. Long story short, God had completely provided for this man to have extensive oral surgery and orthodontics. The cost of his medical care was well over fifty thousand dollars, and little by little, God met every need for this man.

Am I not this same God? He whispers gently. I, the one who provided, am the same one who has called you. I have set you apart. Stand aside and watch as I amaze you. I see you. I do not call you, only to abandon you.

It is so easy to be filled with doubt and fear. That's what the enemy loves to throw at me... fears and worries.

I had begun to notice in my life that since saying "Yes" to God about a few things that I felt so tired. I was tired emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I blamed my workload. I blamed my inability to make myself sleep at a decent hour. I blamed a lack of coffee. As tired as I was, I was also feeling very numb and apathetic to everything around me.

I lost my joy...

Realizing this, I sat down with the Lord and began to ask what was going on. He led me to Psalm 51:

Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean.

Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...

Restore to me again the joy of your salvation,

and make me willing to obey you.

(Verses 6 and 12)

And so, I then began to confess sins, asking Him to bring to mind what was holding me back.

Fear. Worry. Lack of trust. Doubts.

I was taking my eyes off of my Jesus, and as a result, I began to sink. I have this problem with wanting the approval of others. I crave it. Yet, in seeking the approval of others, I have been missing out on the approval of the one who matters most.

No matter how good the intentions of the ones who give advice are, they are not God. They do not know the promises He has spoken to me. They only know what they can see from the surface, looking through the eyes of man, and not the eyes of God.

And so I wait, quieting the voices around me. Choosing to believe in a God who's patience with me is never ending. His faithfulness is proven, tested. And when I am tempted to doubt and fear, I reflect on His promises and I find peace.

I am still not perfect at this. I feel very much like Thomas: Lord, I want to believe. Help my unbelief.

Faith: the yearning for things hoped for, believing in what is not yet seen.

And in these moments of peace and rest, I have rediscovered my joy. 

I am waiting expectantly for Him to step in as my faithful provider. I am waiting for him to step in and say, "Watch what I am going to do in this."

I know He will.I want to be blown away, and God, I give you complete permission to do so. And when He does, you will definately know.

This Beautiful Wait

"Does the fact that I do not forget Jim indicate that God does not want me to, or is it my own unwillingness to forget that has kept God from answering my prayer to that end? Or does He want me to remember-- to 'suffer me to hunger' so that I might fully learn to find all my satisfaction in Him?... Can it be that by a show of what Paul calls 'will worship' I should crush the bud of a flower of God's creation? I know no prayer other than Thy will be done."

                                                              --Elisabeth Elliot, written while waiting for her future husband, Jim


I have a habit of reading certain books over and over again. One book, Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, I like to read about every three months.

Maybe it's because I am now the same age as Elisabeth was when she details her courtship and marriage to Jim. Maybe it's because circumstances in life have led me to identify with her in a deeper way than when I first began reading this book years ago. Maybe, like Elisabeth, I am finding myself in a season of waiting, a season of uncertainty and longing for something beautiful.

When the will of God crosses that of a man, someone has to die. I don't remember who said those words, but they have always stuck with me, reminding me that I cannot serve both God and myself. I want so badly to make things happen... I want to pick up my phone and dial numbers to hear the sound of his voice. I want to spring things into action, fast forward time, and I want everything now. I want so badly for the things weighing on my heart and mind to go away. I want answers. I want peace.

Yet, one thing I have realized is that if I speed everything up, have everything answered quickly, then I lose a precious gift... the gift of waiting.

Normally, this is a gift I despise and wish God would return for something in a prettier package. After all, with the waiting comes the questions, hours of struggle, a waging battle by my flesh against my spirit, loneliness, humbling, and brokenness. Eventually, after a long period of pain, my exhausted body falls down in defeat and full surrender. I hate it.

But what if waiting is not intended to be a bitter pill to swallow, a wrestling match where the stronger man wins? What if this time of waiting is instead intended to be a time of molding and shaping? What if instead of a struggle that brings exhaustion, it is intended to be a peaceful surrender from the beginning?

What if, instead of waiting on the Lord's timing, I had picked up the phone and taken matters into my own hands? Then, even if things might have turned out the way I wanted them to, I would have missed out on the blessing of realizing I am defined by no one else other than Christ. I would have missed out on a beautiful full moon while driving home tonight and talking to my Creater because I would have instead been spending that time with someone else. I would have exchanged the sacred for the cheap. There is pain in both waiting and rushing... yet one is earned by sacrifice and soothed by joy. The other robs the sacrifice of its rewards and steals the joy. One brings a polished beauty, as by fire. The other wears away the soul into a crumbling sand.

There is so much He wants to teach me. So much He wants to show me, and all these beautiful little ways He is captivating my heart. Beautiful moments, just He and I, time I would not trade for the world. Like tonight... when I desperately wanted the sound of another and He instead gave me His full attention, and words with which to glorify Him.

In all honesty, I feel so much like Elisabeth... I am waiting for answers. What is the purpsoe behind my dreams and my hopes? Are they promises of things to come, or are they to serve as a fire to drive me closer to Him, to seek Him for answers, and cling to the only thing that is steadfast in this life?

I am finding the beauty in waiting, in trusting. And my heart is finding peace, sweet peace.

I know no other response, no other answer or words to utter than Thy will be done. And for now, that is enough.

Feeble Words to Express His Goodness

     I am unsure how to write this. How do I convey in words everything she means to me.... this little person who snuggled into my heart and never let go?

     My first day in Malabon while doing outreach with Gentle Hands, I met this tiny seven year old girl. She sat on my lap, told me her name, and then walked away. I thought I would never see her again.

     A few minutes later as we were walking to the basketball court where our cars were located, Ate turned around and said, "We're taking this one". I don't know why, but for some reason, I reached down and picked her up, carrying her tiny body the rest of the way to the car.

      She was so sick with tuverculosis and other problems. Her mother didn't want her anymore, so she came to live with us. And from that moment, she has been my heart. In the past two years, I have watched her heal not only physically but also emotionally. Her once dull hair is now long and shiny. She is always playing jokes, always laughing, and so very ticklish. Her once lifeless eyes sparkle with joy and mischief.

      This little girl, the bravest little girl I know, changed my life forever. I think God knew we were both hurting when He brought us together. As I held her in my arms and learned to love her, my own heart healed. It's funny because I prayed so much for her healing, all the while God was using her to heal me.

      I learned how to love someone completely and with everything I have. I learned how to serve with no thought to my own comfort or happiness. I learned how to trust. And this sweet little girl became my little sister.

       Today, she met her new Mommy and her forever family for the first time. As I sat in church yesterday, reflecting on this, tears filled my eyes. He is so good. Dear friends do you know? Have you tasted and seen? This beautiful little girl now has a family. She has been restored to life and has an incredible future ahead of her. She deserves everything beautiful in this world. And God, in His love and faithfulness has led her to a family where she will fit perfectly.

      There will be challenges, and her journey is far from over. I will not stop praying because she has a mom now. Rather, it's only the beginning.

       But my sweet baby girl has a home. She is safe where she belongs, in a beautiful life story that could only be perfectly orchestrated by the Creator of the Universe.

       And my dear little sister, because you are in my life, my story is so much sweeter. You're my heart.